Harry Potter and boy who reported
by Zane Fox
Summary: What would happen if Rita Seeker been with Harry from beginning then raised him. And why is Sirius looking at Rita like that? Rated T but Also M as I wont know when I decide to go up or not but it just out of safety.
1. Chapter 1 - Rita the dung Beetle

OK then. Well, I been on this for a while but never made a stories but always wanted to. so I figure what the hey and got nothing to gain and everything to lose...

...wait.

...switch that around. Anyway, I will have problem with my grammar often as I`m deaf and speak ASL (American Sign Language) then ''Right'' (proper) English. In short, it meant that my grammar is broken up in short and misplaced. It also leaks into my writing. so if it hard to understand. so I would like no flame but let me know where I messed up as I wish to better myself.

Anyway let me be known as

Dragonwolf the great

the wonderfully

the awesomely

the ever-happily

the*Smack*

-Jen- Enough. You've made your point and it's boring the people. You want them to read...not to sleep. It's not a bedtime story.

-Dragonwolf89- But…

-Jen- NO! Now tell them who I am to you.

-Dragonwolf89- WELL...This is my little mate. *SMACK*

-Jen- Little? Is that all?

-Dragonwolf89- She is the great lady

the lady dancing in moonbeam

the Harry Potter expert.

the wicked one

the*Turn to her* You can stop me anytime.

-Jen- I'm waiting for the "Mistress" part

-Dragonwolf89- and my Great Mistress. There, is that to your liking?

-jen- Yep *Smiling* Now tell them that you don't own or get payed for this.

-Dragonwolf89- Wait? I don't get pay for this? then why am I doing this then?

-Jen- Because I said so *Smack*

-Dragonwolf89- *sigh* Yes dear. I do not own nor earn anything from this. I don't really need to tell who does as everyone know all too well.

-Jen- *looking over shoulder* Good...now go make me some cookies

'Thinking'= 'Oh yeah!'

"Talking"= "Oh yeah!"

¥Pareltoung¥= ¥Bow to me¥

Prologue-

In the room that is only lit by fireplace. There is an old man. He grooming his long noise hair...I mean his beard "Come on Tom. Just follow the path I set up. Good...good, my pawn. Now let hope that rat tell you where to begin the game I been waiting for. What his name again? ratface? no. Buttrat? no. Wormhead? no. Wormtail? Oh yes, Mousedick. Well, let hope Mousedick did his part right." He mutters to the fire. He stood up. "Well, I best go and get his new home set up the way I need it to be." And with that, he vanishes.

In middle of the clear night, there was a family sitting down for dinner. A young man with brown hair and large glasses, next to him was a beautiful redhead. She was feeding a little boy with striking green eye. Here the family that is known as the Potter. They are in deep hiding due to a dark wizard that wish to end them so he can take over the magical world.

(Yes, magical and wizard. So stop saying that I`m lying. if you don't believe or care then you wouldn't be reading this so either shut up or read on...*muttering* little unga...)

Unknown to the Potter, the very same dark wizard was walking down their street. The old snake face was looking at this map while eating his ice cream. Suddenly he looks up to the sky. "HEY! I NOT SNAKE FACE! I HAVE BEAUTIFUL FACE!" Well, never mind on Potter not knowing he was there.

(Oh. Well, this is new. Never had my story talk back to me.)

"I DON'T CARE! I WOULDN'T BE 'TALKING BACK' AS YOU PUT IT IF YOU DON'T BE TELLING LIES ABOUT ME!"

(Well, who say I lying?)

"I AM!"

(But I just saying the story. Though I might be bit ahead on the plot.)

"WAIT! ARE YOU SAYING THAT I GOING TO LOSE MY BEAUTY AND BECOME A BEAST!?"

(Nice choice of fairy tale there. But yes. You will become a man that would look like a drunk man decide to get freaky with a snake. Honestly, not sure which snake but your mom would more like be a milk snake by the coloring…hehehe, milk snake. Talk about milking the snake. And you became so much crankier.)

"WELL, OF COURSE! I LOST MY MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ME! AND DON'T MOUTH OFF SUCH PERV ABOUT MY MOTHER!"

(Soooo, your upper head is more important than short head? And are you talking about your mom now or your new mom?)

"NO BUT DUE TO THE DARK ART I BEEN PLAYING WITH, IT MADE ME... UNABLE TO HAVE A HEIR! AND I GET A NEW MOM?!COOL! WAIT! WHY I TELLING YOU THIS! I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE IF I'LL BECOME A 'SNAKE FACE'!"

(Uhm. If you leave here, you will keep your look but very high chance of losing the war. If you face them, you would lose your look but you have a very high chance of get a new mommy. *fingers cross behind back* and winning the world.)

The dark wizard calms down and began to talk to himself to decide which would be better case for his future. "Well, I would like to keep my beauty but I also want to rule so badly as well. Hmmm. Rule or Spa? And new mom would be great...but do I really need a mom? But then again, she would be a snake then a witch."

Meanwhile, the Potter been trying to get away since they hear him screaming to the sky much like a crazy man that everyone already had peg him to be.

The young man told his wife, "Lily! Go now! He is here! And he screaming in middle of the road. I really hope he don't wake up Mrs. Bendova next door." He muttering to himself as his wife went upstairs.

Lily ran to the room that had many toy to gather runway bags they have in the baby room in case they been found...like now to example. She put her boy in his crib so she could get everything they need quick. "Be safe James.

James downstairs was preparing for the great fight that about to begin any minutes... Any minutes now...5 minutes passed... 10 minutes passed. "Oh come on!" He went to the door a found that dark one was sitting on the road, muttering to himself. "HEY! ARE WE GOING TO FIGH...…Oh bugger." As he saw green light came at him too quickly.

"Huh? Oop, did not mean to do that." The dark one said while rubbing his head.

(Well, you started it. Might as well finish it.)

"Oh bloody hell. I was leading toward of leaving. If it wasn't for that dumb gifferdork, I would be home by now. I got a new brush I been dying to try out on my hair. He says as he walks up stair.

Lily wait and wait until she heard James yelled. 'What a moron. Why did I marry him again...…...oh yeah he got a certain way with his mou...'? She never finished her thought as the door open.

"Step aside little girl. I don't want to kill you. I didn't mean to kill that gifferdork back there."

"Yeah, he was never that bright."

"Tell me about it, I heard about him all the time from my followers."

"Oh? Like who?"

"Never you mind. I not falling for that again."

"Again?"

"Don't ask. And why in hell you went with him? I know at last three off my head that would been better choice?"

"I was thinking that SAME thing until I remembered what he can do with that mouth."

"Oh? He can do more than just putting food and his foot in it?"

"Oh yes. Like he put his lip together and make a motor bike of a sort."

...

...…..

...…..

...

"New meaning to motor mouth."

"Yep"

"Well. Can you please move over? I swear that it be quick and painless. It be just like going to sleep,"

"And how you know that for sure?"

"I done killed few of my followers and between feeling and seeing from the mark I gave them and they turned into ghost which they told me about it. They said that it even quite pleasure. Like falling into a happy dream." He said with a dreamy face.

"I take it you been tempted to use it in yourself?"

"Yep. When you feel and see your followers doing the game of pocketing the wand. You would get annoyed when you haven't got any yet." He muttering towards the end.

"Wait? You still a virgin?"

"Shut it"

"How old are you?"

"65."

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...!

...

...!

...

...!

...

"HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA HAHA! YOU ARE 65-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN! THAT SOUND LIKE IT IS A BAD MOVIE! THAT IS SAD AND FUNNY AS SOMEONE PUT MOODY IN A TOFU!"

Flashed of green light and the redhead fell to the floor with an open mouth smile that somehow look like horror. The dark and now very annoyed one turn to the child whom was holding hi stuffed grim. He raise hi wand and utter the deadly spell. "Adva*sneeze*." The sneeze causes him to jerk the stick down a little. Normally, it wouldn't change anything but the child is holding a stuffed dog...with glass eye. The spell hit the stuffed grim which blow the eye out and cut into the child forehead. It also causes the spell to redirect back to the caster. "Oh bug...!" A large explosion happens and the dark one is no more.

As the lighting lighten the dark night sky, in the dark was a hooded person walking down the street. The person dressed in long dark purple robe which hung tightly to the body, giving away the gender as a female under the robe. As she walked along the building, listening for any juicy gossip. All she had been hearing that You-Know-Who lost but not how or who. They said that it just happened as few of the death eaters, in mid-battle, screamed as they all grab their arm that bore a dark and evil mark. A mark that showed everyone who was under control of You-know-who, was fading away to barley visibly mark. She shook of the cold chill that ran down her back and under her skin from just thinking about him. But he is old news now as it was who stopped him and how, being the news everyone wanted to know. You see, this lady, is the lady whom annoyed many people, destroyed lives, ruined jobs and knows many dirty secrets. She is nasty... rude... pushy... known backstabber... titan fighter... unblock-able... pretty... weird... and just plain nosey. In short, she a reporter. She is the infamous reporter, Rita Skeeter. She was about to go into a bar but she stopped as she saw movement in the alleyway beside the bar. Now, a normal sane person would keep walking by but she is not normal or sane due to her line of work. She has had many people and creature's try and try again to either ruin her life or kill her, but she had a hard shell. And speaking of shells, she looks around her to see if anyone was in view. After she sees that there is no one on the street, she wiggles her nose as she began to shrink. Her large glasses got closer to her head until they became a large colorful pattern around her eyes... on a beetle head...

(Wha…wait a minute! can she do that? oh...so that how she's been getting away with it...ah. well that's one way.)

Well, as it so happens, she turns into a beetle. Yes, I did say that. You must know that this is not the world you know but a magical and wonderful world. The wonderful world which holds wonderful things, everything from witches and wizards to dragons and unicorns to everything between. This is the world where witches and wizards could turn themselves into animals. She was such a witch as her animal was a beetle that allows her to spy on others without being seen. And a spying she went. She flew to the large man who was walking away from the bar muttering to himself. "Need to ge' to the Potter. 'est to find what 'appen. Dumel'ore nee's me to ge' 'arry.

'The Potters? Didn't they just have a child not long ago? Oh yes, and it was called Harry. But the Potters disappeared some time ago. Hmm, I going for it.' the beetle thought as she flew into the giant great chin hair. 'OH MY MERLIN! THIS IS... *GAG* OH!' she yells but it was faint. None of her screeching reached giant ears. "THE SMELL! THE *crying* SMELL!"

As Rita fought to keep herself from passing out, the half giant made his way to a smoking and destroyed cottage. He went into the barely standing house to find a man on floor. His eyes were lifeless and his chest was still. The giant's eyes leaked out a tear. "Oh no, no' Jamie. No' 'im. Where is Lily and li' 'arry?" He looks around for said people. He went upstairs. Rita was beyond shock, she thought the Potters were unbeatable. When they got to the last room after finding others empty, they heard a baby's cries. "Thats 'arry!" He moved quickly to door to find a woman on floor in front of that crying baby. "Oh no. Poor Lily 'oo" He cry for lost friends. Until the babies pained cries shook him out of mourning, he saw the child's forehead was bleeding. He moves around the fallen mother to carry little Harry out, he cleaned off the forehead to heal the wounds but it became a scar. A scar in shape of a lightning bolt.

As the giant made out the door, a lone man walks up to them. "Hagrid. Please tell me they are not dead?" The man began to cry.

"Only li' 'arry is left" The giant named Hagrid stepped back. "Wait, Sirius, Whats the drink you had when we first met?"

"Your home-brewed Firewhisky and what happen?" Sirius blushes as he asks the question.

"Flame didn't come from your mouth but your arse and burned your robe off."

Rita almost lost her form from laughing but she stops quickly when she notices Sirius looking around in a panic.

Sirius thought he heard a faint laughing. It sounded odd and oddly nice. 'Oookkay. Maybe I'm going around the bend.' He turns to the giant. "I need to get my godson out of here." He leans forward with his arm open to take the child.

Hagrid step back. "No. I can't do that. Ol' Dumel'ore told m to bring 'arry to him. He says that who know whoever is a death eater or not."

Sirius grab and rip his arm of his robe to show bare skin. "Does this show my poof of side I belong?"

Hagrid nodded after looking. Before he says anything, he notices an odd mark near his shoulder. "What that?" He points to the odd mark.

Sirius blush deeply. "Nothing important."

"No. Show it"

"If it all the better, I rather not."

"Do you want me to trust you?"

"Yes but this nothing bad. I swear. Why you just trust me?"

"Really? Nobodies can when and if you are really serious."

"Oh come off of it. I can be trusted. But you can't keep a secret and this is a bit on low blow blackmail deal. I rather not give anyone any more ammo."

"I don't care. This is war, are you really that vain?"

"Uh. Yes?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What?"

"Just show me the damn thing."

"OK. OK. Little moody there." He pulls up the rest of the robe to show a tattoo. "Why so Sirius?"

"..."

"..."

"Really?"

"It was in our third year when we were around that cute seer. She went into a trance and start to talk about a man bat and a clown that like to say 'why so serious?' Next thing I remember after we got drunk on that very same day, I woke with this on me."

"..."

"..."

"Phiifff. Hahahaha." Hagrid and Rita burst out laughing at same time with Hagrid overshadow her with his voice.

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up." Sirius pouted. "Now Lt me have him. He be safe with me. I'm a wizard and I can protect him."

"So? Just because you are a wizard, don't mean I can't protect him."

"Oh yeah? How?"

"Half-giant"

"So?"

"I can just blow through people"

"I can shun them."

"I can take a hit better then you can."

"So? I'm smart enough to move out of the way of the spell."

...

...

"Was a shot at me?"

"Nnnooooo, not really."

"I can knock off their head."

"Wow! Little dark there"

"I just saying as I about to do it to you if you don't move. Telling me that you smart enough to get out a way."

"I'm his godfather!"

'Woah! He is the godfather? Ooo. Juicy news there.' Thought of the beetle whom is becoming a stink bug or otherwise known as dung beetle.

"Ol' Dumel'ore told me bring him so there."

"Oh man." The man kicks a rock. "Fine then I going to hunt me a rat." With that, he disappears.

Hagrid look in the spot Sirius disappear. "Oooookay? I agree with Snape. He is going on around the bend a bit too far. Now let us get out of here…..." He stops as he saw Sirius motorcycle. He looks back to the spot Sirius vanished then left and right around him. "Meh, why not? He would be happy if I get it out of here before someone steal it." He said as he sat on the bike which it groans under his weight. He started it and rode off. He seen a lever next to the light switch. "Hmm?" He flicks the lever. The bike pop and shook before rolling to stop. "Oop. I think I might had broOOOKKKK! ….

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The motorcycle pop once more before jerking hard into the sky. It almost threw the half-giant off. After few moment of screaming, he calms down and began to ride smoothly…...until he notices that the baby wasn't in his arm. "...Um…. uh-oh!" He about to turn around in near panic but he heard a noise in his pocket. He found little Harry in his side pocket with shook up face seem to be super glued on as well his clothes also had a new item add in shape of shell shock beetle whom look to be part of the cover. The impact of the jerk from the motorcycle launch her out of the smelly nest and onto the child. Rita latch on tightly the cover as Harry began to fly out of the arm, she not sure even to this day if you ask her on which of them used the magic that save them by moving them barely in the pocket. The beetle Rita had passed out from the mixes of shock, impacts, fear, zero- gravity, and the smell mixes from Hagrid pocket and the baby unchanged diaper. Basically, she out cold with a death grip on Harry and not letting go any time soon. "OK. You safe with me" He said to wide eyes baby as he rides on.

Meanwhile after Hagrid left, Sirius came back. He looks around the spot that he left his motorbike. "I swear I left my sweet ride here. I really don't want to use the car. Hell, how can anyone stand being out of the wind?" He began too droll at the thought of wind blowing though his hair. "Wait... That half-ass! He took my wind breaker ride!"

-Dragonwolf89- OK. I just do my first chapter. So what you think?

-Jen-before or after I fixed the spelling and stuff?

-Dragonwolf89- Really? *Shake his head* Fine, everyone. Please let me know if I miss-spell or grammar screw up.


	2. Chapter 2 - Dumb-a dore Moment

Dragonwolf89- Hello and welcome back.

Jen- Wow. They came back.

Dragonwolf89- Why you gotta be mean like that?

Jen- Hon. Shut up. I meant it as they want more. I didn't think that we get something back as in. How many Harry Potter story is out there?

Dragonwolf89- Over million.

Jen- The defended will rest your honor.

Dragonwolf89- Lay off the cop show.

Jen- Lay off the cartoon and cooking show.

Dragonwolf89- Nope. And you wouldn't get more all of those cookies if I did.

Jen- NONONONO! ...wait. Where is my cookies?

Dragonwolf89- Uumm. Let start the story.

Jen- WHERE IS MY COOKIES?!

Dragonwolf89- *running away* AND I Don't own harry potter.

A cat been watching the house that hold a fat male whale. Which she been trying to figure out how is a whale living out of its sea. A tall shinny whinnying female horse. At least, the cat thinks the horse creature is a female. Then there is a fat bouncy ball that eat whatever it rolls upon. After fourth tried from the ball which as trying either roll over her or eat her, she realized it was a baby male mixes of their unholy crossing. 'Oh my fur! They are breeding!' As she walks away from the horror and around the house, she found an old man bending over in the back of the house. 'How did I missed him?' The cat walks to the old man which was clothed by his mom and dad... If the mom was a 1600' fashion, color blind, painting rabid and dear daddy was a fairy gay barber or simple put it... A flamboyantly hairdresser as his hair is long and taken care of... (Well, the daddy part must be right as his hair look clean and shiny, even silky that spider queen would be envy of)

The old man turns around to see a cat that staring at him. "Go away pussy cat. I never care for pussy anyway" He said as he turns around to his work. "Annoying little creature. Useless just the gender of what they usually nickname for...Hehehe. Women is dumb. Hehehe." The *cough* dumb*cough* old man giggle to himself.

The cat growl before she walks over and lift her paw to turn over. Nasty sharp claw pop out. She lifts it straight up. Mind you, she is standing under the bended over man...between his leg...with her claw in perfect position to lack on something that had the mankind differ from the women kind. (BOYS! TURN YOUR EYE AWAY NOW!)

"Hmm? AAAAAAAA!" He stood up quickly and spin around to hex the cat but face a lady with extreme piss off face. "Oh...hello Minerva. When you get here? And where that cat went to?" He looks around while he rubs between his leg.

"Hello headmaster Dumbledore. I just got here." She growls out slowly. "What are you doing here? I was told that you were here. Then I heard what just happen."

"I just here as I getting a safe house ready. I heard too. While I know he have other places to go. I think it be better for now as the war won't stop for few years to calm down both side. So Harry would be in extremely danger as they would try much harder for either the last move effort or revenge for their fallen lord. I had a bad feeling that I would need this blood ware going today.

"Blood ware! Why you using that? That pretty nasty spell work. And how you get the blood or whom blood?

"Nnnoooo. I said this blood-y ware. Bloody not blood ware. You need get the hairball out of your ear." He said happily with smile then he mutters under breath. "And what Lilly don't know what happen to Harry leftover of his foreskin from that weird ritual with that crazy squib, won't hurt her... Well not now at least. Not bad outfit and arse on that man of squib though. Nice robe too."

"What was that?"

"I said get the hairball out of your ear. Or have you been getting into your catnip again?

"So what I had? I usually use it on my facemask I sleep with. It works wonder to my stress. I was getting ready for a catnap until I heard about what happen. And I went straight here after being told by that flaming flying chicken you have in your room."

He looks at her outfit as she was in her sleep gown and some trace of her sleep mask was left around her face. 'Oh yes. She looks very much need of catnap and I don't think her sleep mask is working at all. But I love to know. I really like to know of that could help me much pettier for that date I have set up with that cute death eater I turning over to my side', he smiles.

She didn't let him say anything as she was very annoyed and a bit gross out when she seen he was checking her out and smiling. "You deal with the school and all of those children and don't you tell me you don't have a little no-no vice." She said with no sight of backing down.

" . I won't. And if you must know." He looks around for anyone around...at 3 in morning...in shadow...behind house...in its backyard. He whispers in this setting, "I dip my lemon drop in calming potion mix with little of 'weed' as the muggle-born call them. They work great. My eye never had such a shine ever more than before." He said to the Minerva.

She rolls her eye. "I thought it was funny that all of forbidden item I recover from the students went to your office and we don't see you for some time."

"Meh." The odd man dismisses her until he remembers what she just said. "Wait? My flaming flying chicken? You mean Fawkes? How you understand him? And why flaming flying chicken?" He questions her.

"Well, for one. He is flaming and flying so as it not needed to explain why."

"Well. He is a Phoenix. But flying chicken?"

"As I was saying before you had to act like the first year. He is may be a Phoenix but he always shies from me and once or twice, I swear that I heard he clucked like a chicken around me."

"Oh. He knows you can become a cat and he scared of cat as one of first or second year cat attack him just after his burning day."

"Then he is. A. Big. Flaming. Flying. Chicken." She pokes his chest with each word. "And the answer your other question. He points me to your schedule planner you left out on your desk and it said that you were to be here soon. But it didn't say what you were up to before now."

Before he could answer back to her nasty hateful mouthing-off. They both heard a low rumbling noise that was climbing. They began to get little worry but the near panics went away when they heard, "'Ow I 'o lower 'is 'ing?" In clear stress panic. Shortly after, a loud backfire happens. "Oh! 'At 'ow." They both seen Hagrid flying in on black motorcycle.

"Well...that explain few things." The Headmaster mumble.

"Oh? Like what?"

"Well, I was wondering how he was going to get here. You see, I forgot to ask how he going to do his part but he usually do them quite well enough that I didn't even think about it." The 80' Gender confused pimp wanted-a-be said.

"Meaning?" The Lady ask with narrowing eye.

"Oh don't worry about it. Just an old man mumbling." He dismisses her again while the half-giant roll down the street to where they were.

"Orry. Wee tike 'ell 'leep over the 'ea." Hagrid told the elder couple.

"Ocean? Why you went over the water?" The Cat lady ask.

"'ell. Best to put it. 'e got lost. But 'e ran into an odd flying man in red and gold armor. I think 'e 'as in the giff 'ouse. Anyway 'e points us back to 'ere. Though 'e says that 'e 'ere in New York. I gue'ing it in the Yank area. And before 'ou ask 'ow, 'eeelllll. Just don't pressed the red button on the bike." Said Hagrid.

The headmaster reach over and gently lift the sleeping child out of his lapdog's arm. He walks to the front door and lay down the baby. "There. He should sleep better now from that smell." He spoke softly of the last part to himself. As he began to leave, he watches his public second turn to leave with the half-giant. Shortly, he was only one there. Just before he disappears, he turns once more to the baby. "Hmm, hurry up and grow. They will break your bone and everything but your soul and spirt since I made your ware set up for that. I need you weak and willing for anything and I mean anything…hehehe. Your soul and spirt belong to me to break. And soon, your ass will belong to me, my little toy." With that, the man that seem to have a thing for small boy disappear and the child which lay before the door had a cold chill went down his back to his little butt as they squeeze tight. Rita was still out cold but couldn't help shiver from the vibe she just felt.

Dragonwolf89-Well that done.

Jen- Why do you have to make it that Lit' Harry likely going to get raped.

Dragonwolf89- Hey, I wouldn't put it pass the nasty old headmaster. But he won't. Don't forget that Rita is there and while she is a reporter but she would have a mommy bear over him since she going t be with him for some time to work on the book of "Boy-Whom-Lived".

Jen- He better not and she better will be… And where is my cookies?

Dragonwolf89- That beside the point. anyhow, please review.


End file.
